What a week. Another bad news.

Our boss has officially announced her resignation. In fact, she has already served her full month notice and has stayed on on a voluntary basis.

She has chosen family over career, one which a woman would have done, especially when I have reached her level. She is already in her late 30s, a career woman, a super power woman, I should say. In terms of career satisfaction, I believed she would have achieved what she wants. The only thing that is lacking in her life and which I believe she has sacrificed for her career, is her family. 

As a woman, I can fully understand where she is coming from. Nothing is ever complete without a family. No matter how much a woman earns, how successful she is in her career, her life will be lacking if there is no children. That is how she is feeling now.

I believe she is starting to feel her biological clock ticking away. Career can be built up at any point of time in life, even when you are at your 40s or 50s. But having a baby gets more and more difficult as you aged. That is why, in a way, whether it comes at the right time or wrong time, I am thankful that I have.

My boss has always been like a mother hen to us. To us, it is like a love-hate relationship. I didn't fully understand this love-hate relationship until I saw tears welled up in her eyes as she broke the news to us, until I saw one of our old fellow colleagues tear in front of her. This colleague of ours has always been complaining about the boss micro-management, her autocratic style, is a "I dislike working under your management" kind of attitude. Until I saw her tear, then I realised that, in this colleague's eyes, she still values our boss a lot. 

I have the same sentiment as this colleague but I am thankful for what I have. Because I know my boss always have a soft spot for me, don't ask me why. She seemed to have witnessed a few stages of my life - from the time I joined, I get married, I passed my exams, till my current stage - she is always beaming with joy whenever I shared these happiness with her. I am lucky and she is always my support. If I have conflicts with my immediate supervisor, she is always my shield.

But, sigh....now that she is leaving, I am starting to get very lost. How is the new management like? I guess everyone is as apprehensive as I.

Pregnancy is a blessing in disguise

Perhaps this pregnancy is blessing in disguise. 

I received news of another staff turnover, which is from my team. This means that my team is down by 1 again. Back to square 1 - from 2 staff to 3 staff and now back to 2 staff. The immediate reaction will be a big SIGH - when will the cycle stop? There again, my workload will pile up.

However, I forgot that I am pregnant. Being pregnant is like having a decree. Because of this decree, I can manage to escape from a lot of things. Things that I should do in the past, becomes not required. Things that I should be given now, are given 2nd thoughts by the management. No matter what, my boss is still warm-blooded. Once in a while, she will tell me, "Do not stretch yourself. Get help if you need. The last thing you will want is to strain yourself." Or when she sees me carrying heavy things, she will say "Please get someone to help you." These are such comforting words. Something that you know there is someone out there who cares. 

Well, like what everyone says - enjoy this moment of being a queen.You deserve this kind of luxury treatment because you have a decree on hand now =)

Staff turnover is not exactly a bad thing. Our YTD figure for this year alone is 50%. However, I don't see that as bad. I see that as opportunity for changes. New staff helps to remove the cliques and re-bond people together. 

Like what someone rightfully said. People of X personality come together to form a group called X. People of Y personality come together to form a group called Y. X types of people cannot mix with Y types of people. But when a Z type of person comes along, he may bring both the X and Y group of people together, to form a new group. I did not believe it at first. But as the days go by, I slowly witness this change and am convinced of this analogy.

The joining of new staff does help to reduce the formation of cliques. People of A, B, C and D personalities come together. All are new to each other, no one knows each other beforehand, they come together because of 1 objective - they need company. There is not a need to break any invisible boundaries which are present in cliques. And this is what makes a team. A team consisting of a group of people rather than many groups of people. 

Though the transformation is painful, with a lot of legacies to clear, the comforting part is we are starting to see new changes in the team.

Less cliques and more team spirits. And I am starting to like what I am seeing.

I am currently reading this book. The first chapter that I came across immediately reflected my current dilemma. "Love or Money," is the name of the chapter.

Just a few quotes from this chapter. 

"A baby's brain grows whole new structure in response to the love and affection, and caring firmness, given during its first 2 years of life."

"Children raised without sufficient loving care do not become fully the human being they were meant to be."

"Loving, patient and supported time with young babies is not a luxury, but a vital nutrient that we must provide."

I have no qualms about this. The nurture and love that you provide to your baby during its 1st year is very important; it is something that money cannot buy.  However, this will mean giving up your job, a lost of a secondary income which could possibly help the family and provide better financial to your family. 

This is a dilemma that I been having ever since I knew that I was pregnant. To continue working after my 4 months of maternity leave or to stop working for one year?

I am a Capricorn. Capricorn goes for stability, especially financial stability and security. They will continue to strive towards this goal until they reach their desired level of stability and security, one that no longer allows them to ponder "what will happen if I were to stop working?" This source of security is very important to them. They are realistic animals; they dislike living for the moment, they plan far far ahead and go for delayed gratifications. Furthermore, they are very ambitious creatures. They constantly like to test their abilities and go for difficult tasks that give them the most success even though these tasks are difficult to achieve. To the Capricorns, for the sake of future security, they do not mind suffering first and enjoy later.

Well, after describing the characteristics of a Capricorn, I guess the answer seems clear. As much as I want to provide a lot of love to my child during the first year, being a finance person and a Capricorn, I seriously doubt I will stop working for a year. I guess I may continue to work and push myself to continue to provide the best for my child while seeking for an income. To me, if that source of supplementary income is lost, it will cause a huge responsibility to my hubby, who becomes the sole provider. What good does it make, if my hubby is so stressed in trying to make ends meet but unable to continue to provide love, care and concern to his family? 

A stressed man becomes a depressed man, that's what I always believe. Thus, my role as a wife is always to make my hubby happy. Is only when he is happy, he will be relaxed and more able to provide for the family. So, if you say I am not a good wife, what's more?

I really appreciate what my hubby did.

Knowing that once the baby is born, travelling will be difficult, he tried to arrange for our last trip before the delivery. This will mean going on trips during my second/third trimester. 

This is what I like about him.

I dislike the fact that he is a Santa Claus but I cannot help but admit that it is his generosity makes me really appreciate him. To a finance person, it is a hate relationship. But to a woman, it is a love relationship.

However, I really appreciate the fact that he values relationships more than money. It is this value of his, that makes a trip before the delivery possible, despite our tight budget. 

These are what I am really thankful for and will ensure that these values are passed on to our children.

9 Sept 2010 - 3rd visit to the gynae

We were late for the visit and ended up having to send our car for valet parking. It costs us $10 for the parking! What an expensive lesson to learn.

As usual, Dr Ho's opening speech is "How are you doing now?" "Any vomiting?"

"No," was my answer. "Other than my tummy pain, everything was ok, normal. What could be wrong?" I continued. 

"Do you have gastric pain?" Dr Ho enquired.

"I do have gastric pain before. Last time I was able to tell whether it is gastric but now with the baby, I cannot tell. Could it be baby kicking?"

"Most probably is your gastric pain. It is quite common for pregnant mother to suffer from gastric." Dr Ho assured.

Sigh....not gastric again. I dislike gastric. In the past, I tried very hard to prevent gastric - tried to eat regular meals, tried to relax myself - all because I dislike the pain. And now it is back again. Arghhhh...

The long awaiting moment came - the ultrascan, to see the baby again =DDDDD

The baby has grown quite big now, about 15cm in size, an increase of 7cm since our last visit. The baby's features are much clearer - the head, the nose, the eyeballs, the 4 fingers and one thumb, the tummy, the thigh and its feet. Hahahaha...it is so exciting.

Baby was quite active this morning. It kept moving inside my tummy. Up and down. Left and right. Lifting one of its hands up, as if it is an ultra-man really to fly =p

Now the most important question, one that we have been waiting for. What is the gender of the baby?

It took us a while before we managed to find out. Baby kept moving its legs. From crossing both its legs, uncrossing then crossing back again. Lifting its legs up and turning. The patience paid off. Baby finally opened its legs wide enough for us to see an extra piece of triangular skin sticking out from in between its 2 legs. 

"Is a boy, high chance", said Dr Ho. "Next round will give us a better view as the baby grows bigger."

What a relief. I always wanted a boy. I have been praying for a boy. For some traditional reasons or another, I prefer a boy to a girl. I am thankful that my prayers are heard. 

Anyway, the visit was followed by 2 blood tests to test the presence of hep B, Rubella, etcetc in the body and the possibility of Down Syndrome of baby. I was not hoping for any bad news. 

14th - 17th week of pregnancy (II)

Food cravings are getting stronger. Nothing will seem right until I get to eat the food I have craved for.

On one occasion, I craved for fried chicken wings. Not the fried chicken wings from MacDonalds or KFC but those from the hawker centre. My hubby has no choice, but to bring me to the western food stall at a hawker centre to savour my chicken wings. 

On another occasion, I craved for economic fried bee hoon. I had that craving for one week but I had been unable to satisfy this craving. Either because, I already had a heavy breakfast or I was late for work, so as a result not able to savour the fried bee hoon. The craving was so strong that, I dreamt of it on one night. The next morning, I immediately went to get the bee hoon. It was very satisfying and everything starts to revert to normal.

My girlfriend asked, "Why did you crave for all the inexpensive, unhealthy food?"

Well, how could I answer this?

14th - 17th week of pregnancy (I)

This is not an easy month as it seems to be. 

On a positive side, there were no naseaus or giddiness for the past one month, except for one occasion, where I almost fainted because of low insulin level, else, everything is good. On the negative side, I have been having tummy pain, especially on the lower left rib area for the last 2 weeks. The pain can be so acute that it can affect your movements. Being 1st time mother, I started to get paranoid "Did something happened to the baby?" Or is it my body posture? Laying side way helps to eliminate the pain, but it ends in neck ache. Sitting face up, with back support, is not helpful, as there is continual strain in the tummy area. Thus, this month the challenge is on the tummy. Sigh...

I had dreams of miscarriage on 2 occasions too which I realised that such dreams denote anxiety and fear. This maybe correctly depicts my current state of emotions. It is not easy for a woman to be pregnant. On a positive side, it is a happy and joyous occasion of the arrival of a new life, something to celebrate, something to rejoice. On a negative side, the woman has a great responsibility of ensuring the new life stays healthy and carry the pregnancy through.

Well, someone said this to me. "Don't stress yourself by thinking of pregnancy as a negative thing. It is all in the mind. Pregnancy is a joyous occasion, make yourself happy."

That is some truth in it, though...